World's Best Driver

(Moved here from "The Shootist" - Monday July 11, 2005)

I'm the world's best driver. Don't ask me how I know this. I just know it. Now, don't compare me to those NASCAR or Indy drivers. They just drive around in circles. And they've all had wrecks over the years. I haven't had a wreck in over twenty years. And I make right turns from time to time.

The truth that I'm the world's best driver came to me most clearly when I was in Florida recently. I travel a lot for my job, and so I'm often on the road, behind the wheel of a rented car, and in amongst a butt-load of stupid drivers. And I'd have to say that those in Florida are about the STUPIDEST drivers in the western hemisphere. Now don't go off all mopey and pissed at me, you Florida drivers. On foot or behind a desk you might be pretty darn sharp, but when you're in your car you're like you slammed the door on your head or something.

I worked in Daytona for the better part of two days and then I had to drive my boss to Orlando. I dropped him off and headed south to West Palm Beach to work with another client. I moseyed on down to I-95 southeast of Orlando, and that's when the "fun" began. I entered the freeway delighted to see that the speed limit was 70 mph. I nestled in to the right lane and got behind some fuck doing 60. So I hit my turn signal to indicate my intent to change lanes (never seen one of them NASCAR drivers use a turn signal, did ya?), and then I did...and got behind another fuck doing 55! Maybe it wasn't his fault; there was a car in front of him, and one in front of that one, and so on just about to the horizon. I figured I'd wait until the lead fuck happened to notice in his mirror that half the state of Florida was behind him, and he'd move over, but did he?

So while I waited, about one-third of the state of Florida passed me on the right, and that's just wrong! After a while I got frustrated and I signaled again, and moved to the right lane. This was satisfying for about one minute until, for some unknown reason, the right lane slowed to only slightly faster than the left lane. After many minutes of agony the front of the left lane line of cars was in sight. I'd finally be able to get past this cluster of cars! But no. Mr. Lead Left Lane Fuck suddenly realized he was slowing down the progress of mankind and darted over into the right lane, no turn signal, thankyouverymuch! Of course, the left lane traffic practically doubled its speed with the floodgate open (and all of the cars that moved back into the right lane had out-of-state license plates!), and I had to wait for a second third of the state to pass before I could get an opening to merge.

Finally I got past the stupid fuck who had held everyone up in the right lane, and then the stupid fuck who had held up everyone in the left lane. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm going to use this moment to make a "retired, elderly driver" joke, aren't you? So, was it an old woman who could barely see the steering wheel, let alone traffic (and my flipped bird)? No. It was a ghetto sled with windows tinted black and a rear spoiler bigger than the car itself. I didn't unleash the bird because you know whoever was in that car was returning to Miami for the next drug run, and I didn't want to get shot!

This circus went on with an ever-rotating cast of characters for two and a half hours. About 50 miles(?) north of Palm Beach I-95 opens up to three lanes. Would you think it got better? HAH! The morons just spread out, three abreast, doing 65, side by side.

USE YOUR REAR-VIEW MIRRORS, PEOPLE! The left lane is for cars going FASTER than you!

Why is it that when you're tooling along in the right lane at, say, 80 miles an hour, a big-rig 18-wheeler will pass you like you're sitting still, but when you get behind him and he tries to overtake another big-rig 18-wheeler, it takes him 32 minutes to get past it?

So I got home to Chicago, and this morning on the way to the office I realized that Chicago drivers are much the same as Florida drivers, except we can drive on snow.

I think the best drivers in the USA - after me, of course - are in the great plains states, Oklahoma City and Kansas City, specifically. They stay in the right lane until they're overtaking a slower car, and then they get back in the right lane, and MAYBE they use their turn signals. And if they happen to be in the left lane when you come up behind them, they move over to the right lane! Of course, there's hardly any cars out there. A traffic jam means that your usual 14 minute trip from your home in the suburbs to the office downtown takes 17 minutes.

Probably the best drivers in the western hemisphere - again, after yours truly - are the English. They stay in the slow lane and use the fast lane(s) only to pass. Of course, this might have a lot to do with the fact that it's ILLEGAL to cruise in the passing lane(s), or pass in the slow lanes, unless in congested traffic, and you'll get a traffic citation if caught!

But, please, Florida drivers, don't get angry with me and try to research the internet and find where I live and shoot me because I hit the nail on the head. Just go to Europe, rent a car, and drive through Rome. Or Paris. You'll know exactly what I'm talking about.