Instant Relief

Television advertisers hawking remedies for what ails us always seem to imply that use of their products will result in instantaneous relief from those ailments, but it’s usually not the case. Often the headache dissipates and we forget about it until we realize it’s “suddenly” gone, but it was far from instantaneous. And the common cold? Well, we all know that cold remedies aren’t really remedies at all, they’re just symptom masks that help us feel manageable until the ick finally runs its course.

Instant relief does happen though. Or, at least, it has happened to me. It truly has been rare, but there are very notable instances.

A Clear and Omnipresent Pain
It was probably 1988 or ’89. My second-oldest niece was in the high school choir and desperately wanted me to come see the Christmas concert. I had driven up from school in southern Illinois and arrived home for the holidays with a splitting headache that just. would. not. go. AWAY! I had taken some aspirin or acetaminophen before leaving school, but it just got worse and worse over the 300 mile drive. As the time to go to the concert drew near, the pain in my head was so acute I felt that I might get sick. Finally, my oldest sister asked me where in my head the pain was. I pointed to just above my right eyeball, and she said, “It’s sinus pressure.”

I was 25 years old. I didn’t know sinus pressure from a bump on the head. And besides, I hadn’t had any sinus problems before then that I could recall. She offered me a Co-Advil tablet (later reformulated as Advil Cold & Sinus). I was skeptical, as the pain reliever I had taken earlier was totally ineffective. But I popped the tablet, drank a glass of water, and lay down on the couch.

About twenty or thirty minutes later my sister came into the living room and asked me if I was going to be able to go to the concert. As I lay there, my head was still pounding. I sat up to tell her that, no, I probably wasn’t going to make it to the show.

And —POP!— A sharp pain stabbed right above my eyeball, the vibration felt behind my right nostril, and then all the pain was gone.

Just. Like. THAT.

Of course, at that very moment I thought I had just experienced a burst brain aneurysm, and I expected the lights to go out — forever — at any second. But they didn’t! Oh, if only it could be that way again! I had a headache Sunday, which I believe was caused by sleeping Saturday night on the new bed and breathing in all that new-bed factory smell that wafted around me all night, and which lasted through most of Monday. I think I have a brain tumor now. Regardless, nothing on the market since that one time with Co-Advil has ever resulted in that sudden a relief of my agony.

The headache which resulted from my niece’s choir concert, on the other hand, no medication — nor even a burst brain aneurysm — could ever soothe!

A Lot of Crack
When I was a freshman in high school I developed a lower back problem, which caused me so much pain that it often took me several seconds to get up out of a school desk, and I walked several steps doubled over before I could get fully upright. The chiropractor I was sent to said it was due to the fact that my pelvis was “out of place.” For several months I went to him every two weeks, and at each visit he had me lie face down on the table under a heat lamp, cooking my ass until he smelled bacon, at which time he would come in and perform the adjustment. The first time I went to him, I didn’t know what to expect. He had me roll over onto my back, and he pulled my one leg over the other and pinned my shoulders to the table, and then he dropped his weight onto the pulled-over leg. CRAAAACK! I could not believe how many vertebrae “popped!” Then I couldn’t figure out why he was positioning me to do the same with the other leg, because surely no more vertebrae coul -- CRAAAACK! And from that day I was hooked; every day found me stretching and twisting, and popping my back and my neck as often as I could. The pain I had then took quite a while to ease, but it finally went away. He gave me an exercise to do whenever I felt any pain or discomfort back down there, and every time I have ever felt it, a few days of doing that same exercise usually nips it in the bud.

A few years ago, however, Producer and I had a shoot somewhere in Indiana, between Chicago and Indianapolis, and we chose to rent a car — which turned out to be a Lincoln Town Car — and drive down instead of spending the same amount of time, but putting up with the hassle of flying. We drove down, the shoot went well, and we drove back. I pulled into the alley behind my house, where I was to bid Producer adieu, and he was to then take the car back to the rental place. As I turned my body to get out, I felt something pop in my lower back and I was doubled over in pain again, just like I had been in high school. After several days of doing the back stretching exercise, there was no relief.

Then, one morning as I was leaving for work, I pulled out of the garage like I always did, cranking the wheel all the way to the left, but not quite clearing the garbage cans in the alley across from the garage. Looking behind me to back up, I turned in my seat and grabbed the back of the passenger seat with my right hand. The stretch felt good, so I tried to turn my head and shoulders a little farther and — CLUNK! — Deep in my lower back something big popped, like a vertebra that hadn’t popped in many, many years! MAN! It felt incredible! And, as I sat there in the car, it seemed that the pain, which had not ceased for several days, was gone. Skeptical about that, I waited until I got to work to see. I stepped out of the car and was incredulous and pain-free! I was practically giddy the whole day.

Unfortunately, the next morning while I was brushing my teeth, I stumbled slightly over the bathroom threshold and re-wrenched my back. The grabbing-the-rear-of-the-passenger-seat method never worked again. The pain did go away, though, but it took going to a chiropractor to do so.

The Monster Within
About two years ago or so I was at work and dealing with a hyperactive draining sinus cavity. I didn’t have a cold, but the sinuses were full of crap and the post-nasal drip was driving me crazy. I went into the break room and grabbed a paper towel (as it was the closest thing at that moment) into which to blow my nose. It was the typical result, a little bit of mucus, a little bit of “stuff.” Then I took a deep, deep breath and BLEW!

KASPLORCH!

THE HUGEST glop of snot I have ever seen — EVER — exploded from my nose and into the paper towel, for which I am ever grateful to the fates for making me grab, for had it been a mere facial tissue, I would have pasted the break room cabinets with tissue-laced nose poo! My sinuses so completely cleared so rapidly that I thought I was going to pass my right eyeball through my nose! I swear I felt stuff move out from behind it! I even checked the paper towel for any specks of grey matter, just in case I had broken something in there. It must have weighed half a pound! My nose — as well as my eyesight — was for days the clearest it’s ever been!

Gross? Disgusting to retell? You betcha! But man, was it ever satisfying!

Care to share any tales of your instant relief? No worries here if it’s gross, or even more disgusting than mine. You and I are the only ones who read this blog!