Just writing that paragraph above caused a tightening in my throat. How raw the pain is still after a full year. I have this photo of her on my iMac desktop,
so I see her every day I'm home. And I have a shot of her I snapped with my camera phone one day at the vet's office, and it's now my phone's "wallpaper," so I see her every day, regardless of whether I'm home or not.
It's been a year… a full year of occasionally driving past the vet's office I took her to – more frequently in the last few years than in her youth – thinking that I have no reason to stop there any more; a full year of walking past the pet foods aisle at the grocery store, or the pet supplies stores, knowing that there's nothing there for me to get; a full year of seeing other people's dogs and getting on the floor with them and making a silly fool of myself trying to give and get as much lovin' the brief minutes will allow me.
At moments it is difficult to comprehend that so much time has passed, that so much life has happened to me, since I sent Angel out of existence. Too often and too easily the images return of sitting in the grass in the shade of the garage in the back yard that pleasant Saturday afternoon and holding her while the life slipped out of her eyes and her breathing slowed to nothing, and time has disappeared, and it feels like now.
Some may read this and think me silly to wax poetic about a "lesser" animal a year dead while my marriage lies in a coma awaiting the plug to be officially pulled. Don't get me wrong; I have mourned the death of my marriage. I very often still do. But we're not putting an end to a life, just a life together. It was love that died…or, if not love, then devotion. With Angel, the devotion was in her eyes right until the moment they lost focus and she slipped away. That and the reality that it was my decision hit me more powerfully. It was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make, and the worst thing I've ever had to do. Leaving the house in which I had shared nearly nine years with Mrs. Farrago comes a close second.
I guess, as far as my life is concerned, I would have to call 2007 The Year of Pain and Loss. Except the pain lingers, and the loss echoes.
So I think it's time to put something else on my desktop, something innocuous, like a photo of my car or a naked woman, anything to stop bringing my mind back to the most difficult day of my life, yet one of the greatest joys I ever knew. But what to replace her with…the Macintosh Swirly Screen?
8 comments:
I can feel your heartache. It's been 2 years now since we had to put Falstaff down (the first of the month, actually), and 2 1/2 since we had to do the same with Othello (the previous August).
Their loss left a hole that continued to grow long after their deaths. My boyfriend was living in a holding pattern, knowing that her end was near, and with the end of two much loved lives, so ended our relationship. It took about a year to play out, but there was nothing there to cement us together anymore. But you've heard this story before and its ripple effects.
Point being, I still have pics of the pups on my digital camera card, and on my mantle. I won't forget, but when the pain had dulled and the time was right (read: two months ago) I started fostering cats. I found the one that has adopted me as mom. I'm not ready to replace Falstaffer and 'thello in my heart, but this kitty is different enough she manages to help the healing without pushing them aside.
Here's hoping that when you're ready, you'll still be willing to open your heart to whatever or whomever it takes to start the healing of your heart.
Claire is right about opening your heart to someone or something new. It is important to moving on.
I know how sad you are at losing a beloved pet. It has happened to me many times over the course of my life. Eventually the pain will lessen, and finding a new pet is not an affront to the old one - but a moving on with life that is really an honoring of the old one.
I guess times like these make you value what you've got when you measure it against what you have lost. Take heart in that.
My desktop picture is The General Lee leaping a stream. All my icons sit in the water underneath the Dodge Charger which hangs overhead in mid-air.
You had a rough year last year. There are no words to describe loss sometimes. I hope this one is better for you.
my hope is that soon, you will be able to think of her fondly only, and without that sense of loss and emptiness, for i know that she meant so much to you, more than i will ever know
no one, nothing, can ever replace her space in your heart, because she will forever own that right to be there
Hang in there Kiddo...it was a tough year...and you should remember Angel always...she was like your child... there for you thru thick and thin, no matter what they never judge us they just love us. Now you will carry her always in your heart and she will guide you thru tough times by being your guardian ANGEL.
"Wave"
Hang tight, take Claire's advice, and be well. 2007 was a rough year for a lot of us.
Oh, and it looks like we're I'm getting a puppy today. Wanna come over and pet 'im? ;)
Me, I say leave the pic... not seeing her there will tear at your heart worse. You'll know when time is truly right to move on. Pets are with us for such a short time, but they live so deeply in our hearts the hole they leave behind is massive. Remember she loves you and you will see her again... until then let her live in your heart.
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