Pieces In Parts

Sleeping Broody
As I have written several times, I work at a company that produces business meetings and conventions large and small. We also produce our own video support for the meetings, and that’s where I come in. I’m the staff “shooter,” the guy who runs the video camera – as well as sets up lights -- when we shoot interview pieces all over the country. Additionally, when a particular client has chosen so, I go to a business meeting/convention with other guys from the video department and I shoot as much wacky footage, as well as straightforward documentary footage, for the highlights video that we produce and show to the attendees on their last day at the meeting. And this explains all the traveling I do. However, when things are slow, or there are no videos to shoot, I am very often given shit jobs around the office. This has lessened in the past couple of years with the addition of younger, stronger and more "abuse-able" staff, which leaves me with even less to do, and a greater pressure to look busy.

Lately – and largely due to the past lousy year of my life – I’ve felt fairly burned out, as though I exist in a fog. My passions don’t ignite like they used to. My dreams aren’t as possible as they used to be. My tolerance for frustration is lower. My sense of humor has dulled, and I don't laugh as much. Now that I find myself free to break free, I don’t … want to. I seem only to want to be home in the solitude of my apartment. Ironically, while numbly going through the motions of my job and my life in this fog, I’ve been acutely aware of how automatic and uninspired I’ve been. And of how powerless I’ve felt to change it. The divorce looms. My father still slips away from me. Am I just waiting for these clouds to clear?

A few years ago I made it clear to my immediate supervisor that I was interested in taking on more responsibility; specifically, to helm video projects as a producer, which means booking shoots, lining up interviewees and sometimes actors, supervising or overseeing edits, some writing, taking the client’s vision and throwing it away to replace with my own, though it’s usually the other way around… With my eye as a shooter and my desire to write, I think I could be a decent producer. I know… okay, well, I believe I already was a decent producer when I made local commercials and promos at the broadcast and cable TV stations in the golden days of my career, so if I could blow the dust off of the gears I’m sure they’ll spin freely again.

But, with rare exception, this wish has gone unheeded. Until now.

A couple weeks ago the boss handed me a project to produce a demo video for a product our company’s owner is trying to develop and market. Personally, I think the thing is just a huge albatross around our corporate neck, but it piqued some interest at an expo last year, so he has hope.

So I get to produce a video for a product I despise.

And then the boss threw another project at me, to update a video we originally produced (which I shot) two years ago, a tool to be used as a fund-raiser for a Catholic college-prep high school. After an initial meeting with them, we’re now producing a new video from scratch. Get me! The company's token atheist working on a video to try and suck money out of people’s pockets for a Catholic enterprise!

But this is a pretty neat school. I won’t name it, but it is a member of this network. If you read about them you'll see what I mean. So if you have a spare thousand dollars lying around that you don't know what to do with, give it a thought. And don't worry. None of your money will go to me – this project is pro bono.

After a slow start over the past couple of days, much like a reluctant waking from a sound slumber, I spent much of today handling tasks for the despised product project, contacting a talent agency and deciding upon an actor, script review to see what might be cut, feeling the wind get knocked out of my lungs when learning what the chosen actor will cost, and then knocking out three brief scripts for skit ideas being considered for an upcoming highlights video at a business meeting.

Suddenly I felt awake. Alive. I was functional again, wading into waters I hadn't visited for quite a while, feeling the exhilarating kind of fear the unknown and the unfamiliar instill in an eager explorer. I felt a tremble in my hands and arms and chest that was almost electric – though most certainly caffeine-induced…not to mention the sweaty pits. I only hope I do well enough for the boss to value me as a producer, and maybe I can climb out of the rut a little.

Okay. I'm awake again. So whadd'I miss?


Dad Update
Enough old fogeys have died in the past several weeks to allow my father to move up from #46 to the top of the list at the Illinois Veteran's Home. He moves there from the nursing home on April 22nd. That's the good news.

He recently told one of my sisters that he is not afraid, that he is ready to die. I guess that can be viewed as a good thing. At least he's not terrified at the thought, as long as he's telling the truth. But, knowing his beliefs, and knowing as much as I can about the life he led, I don't think he has anything to fear. He was a good man…IS a good man.


It's Not Cold, But It Is Sore
This morning the tell-tale tenderness started on my bottom lip, and by mid-afternoon a mean cold-sore had sprung up there. Since 2001 I've been taking a prescription medication to quell the frequent eruptions I had been having. It doesn't stop them all together, but it truly has made them fewer and far betweener. This is the first full-blown, blistering, aching flare-up I've had in probably two years or more. The medication has also worked to keep the few flare-ups relatively minor. But, obviously, it doesn't stop them completely.

This is the first one I've had since my breakup with ts2bx Mrs. Farrago. It reminds me of how, when I got one – or thought I might be getting one, kissing her was out of the question for about a week. And that's got me thinking.

I really miss kissing.