I've been down lately, I noticed. Irritable. Easily deflated when I had been feeling cheerful. I couldn't quite figure it out, as there were no major events trying to sway me one way or another.
But today it hit me. Today. May 20. On this date eight years ago I swore a solemn oath to devote the rest of my life to the woman I loved, to honor and cherish her, and to remain faithful to her until one of us died. But there's all that shit that falls in between those verbs that no one counts on, that no one can really prepare for, that some are equipped to handle when it happens and that others are not.
We were not.
I experienced a random, unsolicited acknowledgment last week that the date was looming, but at that moment it was a fleeting thought, a reckoning that I didn't have anything to celebrate, that I didn't have anything to plan on or around the date.
But it must have planted some kind of synaptic seed, because, though the thought had not occurred to me again, over the ensuing week I found myself losing my temper over small things, getting angry at the drop of a hat at work, feeling very negative. And then, this morning when I looked at my watch I had a double-take: 5-20. "That rings a bell…" was the thought in my head for a fraction of a millisecond. And then my attitude for the past week made sense.
The evil irony of it? This year I'm not on the road, and I didn't have to protect the date to have it that way.
Her birthday. The holidays. Her niece's and nephew's birthday celebrations. And now this. I think (hope) this is the last hurdle to get over of the "together" things we used to do, or that we certainly knew we always wanted to be together for, in this miserable "year of firsts" after the split.
Can it get easier, now? Please?
5 comments:
I doubt you'll ever forget it, Farrago, but it will surely get easier. I still remember my ex son-in-law's birth date and their anniversary - even though I'd prefer not to think of him at all. Hope you'll be less sensitive to it soon.
Farrago, it does get easier once 'the firsts' are over with. The middle ground I've reached is to acknowledge birthdays and major holidays (we have the kids to share, after all) but the anniversary is a no-mention topic. It' hard, because with that date dies the dreams you had at one point shared together....but new things come along to fill in that hole, of that you can be sure.
For my mother, divorced over 30 years it has not really gotten that much easier, I don't think. I could be wrong, but she is still quite bitter.
For me though, just shy of 10 years in--it has, by leaps and bounds.
Here's hoping it does get easier for you, sooner rather than later.
I think it will get better for you once everything is not so raw and newly changed. It will take time for a new normal to emerge, but it will.
kenju-- Thanks. I hope so, too. I wish I had a drinking problem...then I could pretend the pain went away. ;-)
tiff-- Well, with no kids, there aren't any birthdays I'm obligated to remember. Whenever I think of filling that hole, I'm riddled with the idea that I never want to give up that much of myself again. The smackdown hurts too much.
t.o.d.-- Thanks for giving me 50% of a hope LOL! And I don't see you commenting much. Glad to see you're still checking on my blog every now and again. Thanks!
fermicat-- Oh, crap! I've never been normal, before! What's that gonna be like?!
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