A Date Which Will Live in Infamy

WARNING! The following, somewhat hilarious, post contains graphic details of an unpleasant, however somewhat hilarious, nature. Read at your own risk.


Wednesday morning at 5:15, Producer and I left our hotel in Overland Park, Kansas for the Kansas City, Missouri, airport. There didn't appear to be a decent restaurant within sight of our gate, so we broke fast on Cinnabon and coffee. (Um… yuck!) Save for a minor delay, the flight was uneventful. Knowing that I had plans for the evening with Lisa, and how we both seemed to click quickly, I was eager to see her again. The more I thought about her, the more nervous and excited I got. I actually had butterflies in my tummy!

Since it was so early, Producer and I went back to our office. I planned to get out of there at 1:30, seeing as how I would have already worked an eight-hour day by that point. At first it didn't seem likely that I would succeed; the boss wanted me to do a shoot in our studio mid-day. Fortunately it was only about a half-hour, and after I packed up the gear I had little else to do, so I left. I hadn't eaten anything substantial all day except sugar and bread (in that order!), so on my way home I stopped at McDonald's and brought home a Big Mac combo for a quick meal.

Lisa gets out of work at 3:30, so we planned on meeting at her place for a glass of wine before heading off to Big Bowl for a nice dinner. Since I had eaten so little all day, I didn't think the Mickey D's would fill me up too much and spoil my appetite by the time we were heading out for dinner, which I would have guessed would be around 6:00. However, I felt awfully darn full for quite a while after eating and, on top of the butterflies, I felt uncomfortable and was struggling to burp out the insistent gas. I feared an embarrassing date.

On the drive over to Lisa's apartment the discomfort only got worse with the increased anticipation of seeing her again. My hope was that when I did see her, my nerves would calm and I would feel better. She let me in, we kissed and she poured me a glass of wine. Maybe it was the kissing, but her apartment seemed awfully warm, so I took off my sweater. She expressed to me that she was experiencing the butterflies sensation, too, so I felt a little less self-conscious about that, but I didn't feel any better.

After several minutes of small talk, and her concern about how I was feeling, I felt a burp coming on, but then it didn't exactly feel like a burp. I suppressed it, but a few minutes later I felt the same sensation coming on. I feared I was going to vomit, so I got up to head for the bathroom. Suddenly my mouth filled from behind and I dashed to the kitchen sink. I will go into no further detail about that, but suffice it to say that I spent the next several minutes with my face hovering over the drain… Also… you know how when that happens, sometimes something comes out the other end? Well, yeah, that happened too.

After that wave passed I excused myself to the bathroom where I removed the bottom half of my clothing, rinsed my underpants under the bathtub faucet and cleaned myself up down there. Lisa gave me a plastic grocery bag in which to store my undies, I put my pants back on and I went back into the living room, commando-style. My hope was that the butterflies had gotten the better of me, but that it was all over and downhill from there.

It was not.

We decided that Big Bowl was most definitely out of the question for the evening, and we decided to just relax at her place. After about a half-hour of feeling just dandy, I started feeling overly warm once more. When I thought I was definitely going to hurl again, I excused myself to the bathroom where I took off my pants! Sure enough, moments later I found myself on all fours filling Lisa's toilet from one end, and from the other christening her floor and wall in a most disgusting manner!

I cleaned everything up (after which, I'm sure, Lisa pressure-washed and acid-scrubbed!), and we both determined that it was indeed not butterflies that were my undoing, but more likely a peculiarly timed bout of food poisoning.

So I donned my coat and hat, collected my defiled, wet undies and left. I hit the cold winter air outside and was consumed with a case of the chills so severe I thought I would rattle my teeth loose, and I thought I was going to have to stop before I got home to hurl on the side of the road (imagine that scene: bottomless man beside the road, puking and shitting in counter-directional streams!). But I arrived home feeling critically embarrassed and physically miserable, but mostly embarrassed. I undressed and climbed into bed and awaited the worst.

I didn't barf again after the last time Wednesday night at Lisa's, but I was up every hour through the night doing the other thing. I took the day off from work and spent the morning watching my new Blu-Ray disc copy of Bullitt, as well as the three hours of other features on the disc!

I had plans to go to a Dining Out meetup Thursday evening, as did Lisa, so, trooper that she is, we agreed to try again. I felt somewhat human again by the afternoon, so I picked her up at her apartment and we went to the restaurant. My appetite was non-existent (though I didn't find out until the steak arrived), but I still felt better. We had a nice time and said good-bye to our friends, and we headed back to her place.

Despite the unpropitious start to our young relationship, Lisa seems totally unfazed by Wednesday's events. I won't go into any details as to why I feel that way, nor will I divulge where I woke up Friday morning.

But it's all good.

Read This Blog! (No, not MINE...)

Quite often I lament the fact that I have a very small readership, and I occasionally resort to cheap gimmicks to stoke the feeble flame of random surfer hits… which reminds me… excuse me for a moment… teens sex tits babes hot… okay, back to my post… but I guess that's what you get when you write a boring blog...

But this post… oh, wait… I forgot dripping wet …okay. That should do me good for a week or so. So. Where was I? Oh, yeah. But this post is about NOT reading my blog. As one may notice at the bottom of my list of Better Blogs Than Mine there's one called "Contains Mild Peril," written by a young man – Ultra Toast Mosha God – in Bristol, UK. The tracks left by visitors here rarely show any indication that people leave my blog for his, but I wish to point out here and now that such a neglect is a serious mistake. Not only is Toast a most excellent writer – often funny, usually deeply insightful, and with a very fertile imagination – but now, and for the remainder of the next four months, Toast is on our continent! He and a dear friend of his are on the adventure of a lifetime, as they have scrimped and saved for years, have quit their jobs, have sold all but the most useful – and portable – of their worldly possessions and are spending the warm northern hemisphere months trekking through northeastern Canada, down the US eastern seaboard, through the deep south and southwest, up through California and ending their sojourn in western Canada!

And the best of all? Ultra Toast Mosha God is blogging the whole thing! They've been in Canada for just shy of two weeks, now, so you're not so far behind that you can't catch up quickly. Start here to see and read about the Canadian-American-themed send-off party he threw with his friends the day or so before they took to the skies.

Don't miss out on this opportunity to read a truly gifted young writer's take on our cultures – the Canadian and the American – and the characters he encounters along the way. It has already proved colorful in the few days they've been ashore on our continent. They seem to have a gift for meeting people.

Blag-Togged

Wow! I’ve been tagged!

While reading Irb’s blog, I was shocked, appalled and thrilled when he told of his being tagged and, in turn, tagged me!

So now I’m supposed to tell five little known things about me, and then I have to tag five people. I think I can muster up five things no one in the blogopolis knows about me, but I don’t know if I can scrape together five bloggers who read me and whom Irb hasn’t already tagged.

Here goes, Five Little-Known Facts About Me:

1. I once “peeped” on a neighbor boinking her boyfriend. It was entirely by accident (the peeping, not the boinking…though I guess I wouldn’t know about that) as I was walking my dog off-leash in the field beside the apartment complex where I lived at the time. It was raining pretty hard that evening, so I hugged close to the building. I walked past her first floor bedroom window, the light was on, and something in my peripheral vision caught my eye that resembled a guy’s hairy ass in the air. So I looked. And then I watched. Hey, they were the ones boinking with the blinds wide open!

2. I am blind in my left eye. It has nothing to do with Five Little-Known Facts About Me #1 above. At least I don’t THINK it does. I HOPE it doesn’t! CRVO, ensuing retinal hemorrhage, surgery, 95% (my estimate) blind in the eye.

3. I never drank until I was over age 20, and I’ve never done any recreational drugs.

4. I didn’t have sex until I was 21, which has given me second thoughts about my life choices detailed in Five Little-Known Facts About Me #3!

5. I have performed onstage wearing only a towel, socks and shoes.

And there they are, five things you didn’t know, didn’t care to know, and can’t possibly forget about me, no matter how hard you try.

Claire, Chloe, Trina, Toast and Random Squeegee, it’s now your turn.